Wow What a weekend the Brunner people had. Ever feel like there is a dark
cloud just hanging over your house. Our entire family has been rocked by this
cloud for 3 weekends straight now. Sad because this last weekend we celebrated
Easter. To my husband and I, not so much but Jesus, church, salvation, all
newer terms in our home. I’ve always been a believer in my core but did I
practice? No. Did I live my life in accordance with biblical teaching and
expectations? No. For some reason that surpasses all my understand, 2 years ago
I had an attack of conscious and realized that by letting the kids ‘choose
religion’ I was in fact, screwing up. I can’t believe how long it took me to
figure this out and how blinding the jerk was when I finally put the thoughts
together. Talk about listening to the whisper of Jesus. I finally got it.
So we are now churched and I still struggle some. I struggle with the
community sense that comes with church. I love the people, well most of them.
Like me, every single solitary person on the planet struggles and those
struggles take different forms. What makes me nuts are all the wonderful ladies
engage me in conversation most likely because we have kids the same age and are
also about the same ages ourselves, and their biggest problem is the pink heels
the chose to wear Easter Sunday
didn’t quite match the pink in the dress. WOW. I wish I had your problems. I
realize though that those gals are the ones who need the most prayer because I
believe 2 painful things:
- They’re longing to ‘have it all together’….the total package, perfect kids, perfect marriage, perfect life (and heels) or make people believe they do. I mean face who wants to be a wreck and wear it on their shirt like a badge!?
- They’re in pain. They are reaching out to me for a connection. To fill something or to feel something.
I now have my kids in a weekly program of fun, entertaining bible study and
I help out with kitchen detail to feed the volunteers (mentioned in a previous
post). What I am not though is a fully active, willing participant of the
events that make this church a church! I still feel on the fringe of things. I
don’t want everyone to be my BFF and I don’t want spotlight or anything like
that. In fact I want the opposite; I want to blend, blend, blend. I am new to
bible teachings so perhaps once again I am missing the boat entirely. My
involvement or lack thereof is setting an example for my children. I know that.
What I really struggle with is how to maintain who I am, what makes me, me in
all of this while allowing Jesus to guide me, the holy spirit to whisper to me
the things I seek. HOW DO YOU DO THIS!?
Do you ladies share my struggle? In truth this is a short post. I am
loaded with questions of this nature and it is a constant struggle. It keeps me
up at night.
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